What? I'm doing it AGAIN? (what a nutbar!)

I've decided that in january, I'm doing it all over again.

Yeah, you heard me...

Another novel in 31 days. okay, so there's an extra day....so why not add more words?

55,000.

I can do that, easy. I already know what the novel is going to be about. (fantasy anyone?)

With the success and good feelings that came from this one, i know I can do it again. And January will be a less stressful month than Novemeber was. Being that its at the beginning of a new semester...I have an extra day...I have no friday classes next semester and I want to to this.

january is the perfect month. So, call me crazy, call me weird...i don't care. but I will be posting word counts and going crazy all over again in another month.

I need this month off for a break...(can you believe its been six days since NaNo? I feel like I have nothing to do now....except homework...and studying...and studying...you get the idea.)

Anyway...i think I need to pump out the 15,000 or so words to finish this novel off. Or at least attempt to.

hurm...toodles!

Long Weekend

Truly, one of the longest weekends of my life...leading into the two longest weeks of my life.

It was filled with homework and sleeping and all that jazz. Thank God for Matt and him helping me start to make flashcards for my spanish class. perhaps I will 4.0 that exam now? erm, we'll see.

And tonight I will be spending countless hours in Brody, working on a project that is going to kill me. Its a shame I got stuck with the people I did because yet again, i am forced to do much of the work. egad...

So I am off, even though this is a short entry. I got too little sleep last night, and I have a lesson plan to develop right now...and I need some food...hmmm...food....

Yeah, i won

So, I finished my 50,000 words last night and I am proud of myself. It's an accomplishment I will have for the rest of my life.

it made me a better writer and showed me I could do it if I really put my mind to it.

Looking back, and forward, i know there are many more things i want to do to keep my writing moving forward. Next semester, I have no friday classes. Instead of wasting those days, I want to devote a few hours to writing. I think its do-able. i also want to finish what is in all my files on my computer-the other three novels I have started and never finished.

I think in January, I may set my own challenge and do this all over again, another 50,000 words to start a new novel. Maybe, I haven't decided yet...

Anyway...yeah, thats it. I printed out my certificate last night and downloaded the icons I received. All i can say now is...

yay for me! :)

Picture that as me with a purple binder filled with my novel....

I gave it the name of my blog. it seemed fitting.

Words, words, and more words

So, tonight is it. At 11.59, I have to stop writing and submit my novel for word verification. Am i nervous? No.

I am still under the 50,000. but give me one solitary hour at my keyboard and I will hit it. And i have many hours today that I can devote to writing this novel. Many hours. I have nothign due tomorrow, no reading for tomorrow.

Like I told Matt over the weekend. i know I will hit 50,000, but the story won't be done in 50,000. I'm going to try to bang out the rest of it too, or try. The goal now isn't to just hit 50,000 words, but to finish it. That was the whole motivation for me doing this anyway.

matt refuses to read it until its done because he wants to know "that there's an ending."

So, off I go to try and do that. Pray for me, cheer me on. If you live on the floor, stop by and say hi, push me to finishing it and accomplishing something I can be proud of.

here I go...

-allie-

Linguistics are the Devil

Somehow, I got my project typed. And somehow, i am two pages over the limit.

Why am I an over-achiever?

I actually don't think he's going to care. Its full of good stuff. i actually admitted in the closing paragraph that I could of done a better job collecting research and i failed to explore other sites. Hopefully, he will see that as a learning mistake and won't penalize me greatly for it. I tried really hard, and I think he'll see that.

But...i don't think I have ever felt this worried about turning in a paper/project in a long time...since my freshman year almost in Pimlott's class.

Perhaps its because Linguisitics, as hard as I try to make it work for me, isn't my thing. Its interesting...but I am not that good at applying concepts like what we learn. I just hope I did enough to merit a 3.0. If i can get that...its possible...faintly to get a 4.0 believe it or not..as long as I 4.0 the final. Even a 3.5 in this class would be awesome. nothing below that though...I would cry.

*sigh* I have worked hard on this and I feel I have learned nothing from it.

And that is what is depressing me most abou

t it. The fact I still feel like I know nothing...and that my research was futile.

grrr...why do I want to be an English major again?

only two more weeks, only two more weeks....

-allie-

some love would be welcomed...and appreciated.

An Entry for Me

jenny left this morning and it makes me sad. We had fun, or at least I did. She went to two classes of mine with me, we giggled.

Ecspecially in my history of michigan class, when we got to watch Lion King. How perfect is that?

Besides the giggling and talking and trying to catch up on three months worth of life, she helped me a lot with the novel. We talked through a plot issue last night for awhile and shes rooting for me. She's earned herself a cameo in the novel I think. :) I also wrote over 2,000 words last night...in an hour and 15 minutes. I rock.

Other than that, the only other exciting news is our new suitemate moving in tonight! Shes a freshman and she fits right in with the three of us. I'm excited and so are Sam and Kara. We are four again! :) It was funny when we told her that she has to date someone named matt, to fit into the suite of girls all dating Matts. okay...well...we thought it was funny.

Other than that, nothing is going on. I stayed up till 2 Sunday night working on the project and was up till 5 trying to get some sleep. I went to be at 2 last night again, so I am tired, but I have a sugar free red bull in my fridge for later tonight. Hopefully, I won't need it and I can bang out this project in a couple more hours time. When i get rolling, i type and think like a fiend. one of my many talents I suppose. :)

I forgot to mention in here that i finally got my book, the one where a poem of mine was pusblished. Its on the first page. :) the book is called "Touch of Tomorrow." I think that Borders sells them, but I am not sure. And I'm not sure if anyone is even interested. But yeah, i was excited to show that to some people. Its good to feel recognized for what I do. Even if it is only an anthology of amateur poetry. I have to start somewhere, don't i?

Anyway, time to get to work and bust out this project. I can do it yo!

-allie-

Things on my Mind

I have so many things running through my mind, maybe if I write them down, it'll be easier to focus on them.

1. Linguistics Project: I think I'm a little behind where I would like to be. I am not sure of what I really need to do. I have no sources, because there is NOTHING on my topic-its kind of a new one being done this year. But how can i just invent my own discourse genre? I have no idea. Perhaps I should talk to Prof. Stalker tomorrow to see what he thinks. He's going to think I'm behind, thats what he'll think...
2. Jenny: YAY! I'm so excited to see her....thats about it...we're going to be giggling and jumping around like idiots tomorrow. We're going to drive everyone crazy and i get to take her to classes with me...I remember how that turned out last year. She wrote me notes and made me laugh during class....Lol...YAY!
3. TE Project: Erm, lesson plans? when am I going to write mine? It's on the sixties, i had an ENTRIE class on the sixties, i should be able to bang this out.
4. NaNoWriMo Novel: almost 8 days left...still a little behind. But tomorrow, tues, and wednesday, i know I won't have time to write...Can i bang out the rest of the words this weekend? I went over the hurdle called the plot last week. its all downhill from here, i just have to tie it all together and finish it...thats do-able, right? i have until Tuesday night to finish, ROOT FOR ME.
5. Other Classes: I have one more paper, a couple of other tiny assignments and tons of reading to catch up on. How did i fall behind? I'm not too far behind, but I'm definately going to need to crack down on the reading, so I am not trying to read half a semester's worth or reading in a couple days before finals. That won't do.
6. WW2 paper: where do i begin? it due dec. 8th, i can put that off until after next tuesday.
7. Finals: AHHHHHH!

Maybe that did help a little. I just got to keep chugging along I guess, doing what I can. My grades are good...pretty high. i can do this. :)

Just root for me. I have until next tuesday night...make me WRITE!

thats enough, back to Linguistics!

-allie-

I hate rain

on fridays I have 4 classes back to back. I dont know what I was thinking when I made my schedule last spring. I basically criss-cross back and forth across campus on my bike going crazy.

So its my luck that the last three fridays, it has been raining.

I dress in my normal jeans and a t-shirt and throw on a zip up hoodie. I flip the hood up and go out to get my bike. It raining decently heavy and my bike seat is wet. I unhook my bike, wipe off the seat so i don't get a wet butt, and off I go.

It turns out that the rain is coming straight at me as I ride off. The wind is in my face and I am not happy. there are putholes and puddles everywhere and I try to avoid them
Theres this thing called a "Wet skunk trail" when its raining and you ride your bike. Its from the tire spraying water up onto your butt. I try to avoid getting it, but after awhile, my legs are tired from peddling into the wind and from the gym the other day.

Finally, i get to my building on the other side of campus. I hook the bike up and head inside. I hit the bathroom first to check out my skunk trail. Its a doozy. I also have a nice wet patch on my inner thigh in the back. Obviously, i missed a spot when i wiped my seat clean. grrr. i take my sweatshirt and tie it around my waist to hide the wet butt i now have. Don't i look hot now.
I climb up the three flights of stairs to my class, panting and wheezing because i am THAT out of shape. There is an elevator, but i dont take it. I get upstairs, still breathing pretty heavily and head to my class.

Its dark, the lights are off and there is no one there. hmmmm. I sit on the bench outside of class and check my watch. 10.15, class starts in 5 minutes. Another girl shows up, we talk and she decides to leave at 10.21. i stick around, a couple people come, peek in the class, than leave.

hmmm.

I'm thinking I missed something. I wait until 10.30, then give up, aggravated and pissed that i have a wet butt for nothing. I go back downstairs, my legs already yelling at me cause they're tired and I ride all the way back to my dorm. I get back and I look at myself in the mirror.

The entire seat of my pants are soaked. I'm angry. I change pants and relax before my next class.

A couple minutes ago, i rechecked my e-mail which I checked before leaving this morning.

One message.

from the TA who was supposed to be there at 10.20.

It reads: Dear class, i won't be there today. Sorry this is so late. Hope no one had to ride their bike or walk to class today! -Walt

Ha. what kind of crazy person would do that?

An Excerpt

Taken from Chapter Eleven:

He was trembling and grabbed my upper arms, shaking me as he yelled, tears falling from his eyes. “How could you not tell me?”
“Let go…you’re hurting me.” I was crying now as he shook me.
“I’m hurting you!?” Letting go, he pushed me back away from him and stood. Standing next to the liquor cabinet, he grasped the shot glass in his hand and threw it onto the stone tile in front of the fireplace, glass shattering all over the floor in a star shaped pattern. He quieted and stood, leaning over the cabinet, head in his hands, shaking from his emotion.
“Justin…” it was only a whisper as I tried to fight away the pain in my ankle and my arms.
“Don’t talk to me right now. Just let me think.”
I sat back and sobbed into my own hands, knowing that any hope of us reconciling and getting back together again was gone. He would never forgive me for taking his child away from him…for never giving him his child in the first place.

The People in my Life

As a few people have pointed out, i have not written.
anything.
in.
a.
week.
Don't remind me that I am over ten thousand words behind.
In the first 12 days-i wrote well over 24,000 words and now I am 10,000 behind.
I have 12 days left.
A little over 25,000 words to write...
which averages to be... 2084 words a day.
If i wrote 5,000 in five days..I'd be done.
Hmmm...all the numbers are swarming in my head.
I guess the reason i stopped writing so much is because i hit the hard part of the novel, the part i always avoid.
The plot.
Does my novel need one? i think so. All novels need plots, or at least thats what I have been taught.
Would mine suck without a plot? Of course. All novels/movies without plots suck. They fail miserably and I don't want to be known as that chick whose novel has no plot.
I would be depressed.
So, after getting some inspiration from some fellow NaNoers on their message boards, I am ready to dive in tonight-explain some things and work my way downhill from the peak I found myself on one week ago tonight(the last time I wrote).
Perhaps i won't do it to the best of my ability. Perhaps I will make typos up the wazoo, or forget to put in words as a generally do, or mix up effect and affect like i did in my TE paper that was due today.
BUT!
I will preservere over these words. I will conquer and manipulate them, making them do as I wish, with some help from Madeline and Justin. After all, seeing as this is their story, they have a right as to telling me how they want their lives to go.
And to think, Ethan and Cameron made fun of me last week because I "talk" to my characters.
mmm...maybe that is crazy.
But like i said before, this is their story to tell, and they have been yelling at me for ignoring me this past week. I guess its about time i sit down, and type their thoughts down. They want it told, I'm just their means of doing so.
And because there are many people i need to prove myself to. I don't want to hear, "Are you actually going to finish this one?" with a smirk on their face anymore. Who needs to hear that-it makes me feel like my friends don't believe in me and my dreams. ALWAYS believe in your friends dreams, they are just as important as your own, if not more...
I want to know, come december 1st that I have completed it and it kicks butt in my eyes. But Kyle supported me last night, telling me he wants to read the final draft...and that he's rooting for me. jenny constantly leaves me notes, telling me to keep going and encouraging me. She is getting a copy when i am done. Cat has supported me, helping me and pushing me forward. Even my brother has offered to edit it when i am done and is waiting patiently for me to finish so he can read it. Dave, I will take you up on that in december.

I also have someone else rooting for me, who told me, "I want you to do this for yourself." That was all i needed to hear last night, thank you Matt, for pushing me forward and on to the finish line and for putting faith in me to do something I have dreamed of for as long as I can remember.

I'll see you later, probably on december first, holding a completed novel in my hand.

-allie-

My Eye is Twitching

Yes, yes it is.

I am now officially behind in my word count. I should have over 25,000, i am barely over 24...not TOO behind, but far enough where i am biting my nails.

Not to mention, paper due thursday, HUGE project due next wednesday. I'm wondering when I will find time to write. or study...or do anything even remotely productive. I am stressed, but not overly.

My motto? one day at a time to complete my work.

We only have 4 weeks of class left anyway.

And i have 15 days to finish the novel with over 50,000 words...

MUST GET TO WORK!

leave some love, pretty please??

Motives

I am really getting down about the novel. Not because I don't think i can do it, but because other people don't believe I can.

I had someone, who'll remain nameless, tell me today that pursuing a writing career was pointless, because there's no money in it.

Do you really think i want to write so i can make money? No, not at all. That's like number 100 on my list. I don't write simply because I think i can get somewhere with it.

I write because I love to write.

I write because I hope to touch someone with my words and thoughts.

i do not hope to attain potential fame, or anything for my writing. Yes, I want to get published someday, so I know my thoughts will live on long after I die. Morbid? perhaps, but it scares me to know that I may die and no one will have learned anything from me, or about me.

I am taking a chance with my life, by choosing to write rather than go into engineering or medicine, or something like that. While I am not guaranteed a wealthy lifestyle, you aren't either.

i will say this. I will probably get more fulfillment out of my life than you will.

This novel, while it may be crappy, is important to me. Because for once, I am going to finish what i started. See my word count? Almost halfway. I am so close to winning this, to accomplishing a goal I have had set in my mind since i was 12-to write a novel.

What have you done in your life? yay for sports teams in high school and marching band and relationships. You know what will matter most? The things you DID that made you something in your own eyes. And that is what this is for me. It's something I can show off and be proud of. I am 19 and on my way to completing a novel. What have you done?

i don't need your negativity, your criticism and your assumptions about the life I am going to lead, whether I will be successful or not. What is important to me right now is proving you wrong and I will on November 30th. because it will be done by then. And I will be proud of myself for accomplishing something you can't.

i am done with this rant for now, but come November 3oth i expect an apology. why? because you have underestimated me.

here's some advice:

Never underestimate those with dreams. theirs will come true, yours will not.

beautiful words matter

I can't run anymore,I fall before you,Here I am,I have nothing left,Though I've tried to forget,You're all that I am,Take me home,I'm through fighting it,Broken,Lifeless,I give up,You're my only strength,Without you,I can't go on,Anymore,Ever again.My only hope,(All the times I've tried) My only peace,(To walk away from you)My only joy,My only strength,(I fall into your abounding grace)My only power,My only life,(And love is where I am)My only love.I can't run anymore,I give myself to you,I'm sorry,I'm sorry,In all my bitterness,I ignored,All that's real and true,All I need is you,When night falls on me,I'll not close my eyes,I'm too alive,And you're too strong,I can't lie anymore,I fall down before you,I'm sorry,I'm sorry.My only hope,(All the times I've tried) My only peace,(To walk away from you)My only joy,My only strength,(I fall into your abounding grace)My only power,My only life,(And love is where I am)My only love.Constantly ignoring,The pain consuming me,But this time it's cut too deep,I'll never stray again.My only hope,(All the times I've tried) My only peace,(To walk away from you)My only joy,My only strength,(I fall into your abounding grace)My only power,My only life,(And love is where I am)My only love,My only hope,(All the times I've tried) My only peace,(To walk away from you)My only joy,My only strength,(I fall into your abounding grace)My only power,My only life,(And love is where I am)My only love.

RAR!

i HATE my computer...with a flaming passion. Its a piece of crap.

After spending $100 for a part for it, and another $125 to take it to a shop to fix it, IT STILL FREEZES ALL THE FRICKEN TIME!

RAR!

I'm way beyond angry....
:(

Stuff is...crappy?

I am so tired, shouldn't have stayed up until 2.30 watching Stepmom last night, :) What a good crying movie though. :)
Erm, so...I need to catch up a little in my classes. I have TONS of reading to do...No, its not all stuff i could have done during my writing time. Its been accumulating. I don't wants finals week to come and then realize i need to read 6 chapters of educational psych. That would suck. Majorly.
On other fronts, everything else is good. I got 110% on my history of michigan exam, which, means i got every point, including extra credit. I dont think i need to worry about that class too much. English-got my progress report for my project, i have a go ahead on it, so now I just need to DO it...errr, don't wanna.
IAH sucks. Nuff said.
As for TE and Spanish, i have no idea how i am doing...prolly around 3.5 range i am assuming based on the grades i have. I hate spanish, really, i do. I dont need it. Its a waste of time.
No more ranting. last football game is this weekend. it could possibly my last game as a student....thats sad...makes me sad inside. Lets hope and pray by some miracle i get in...but i doubt i will. I have good grades, but not THAT good.
its hard to believe its november already...we have LESS than five weeks of class. thats nuts...and then i look at my list of stuff i have yet to do this semester (4 papers what?) and i want to cry. Just repeat after me, 5 more weeks, 5 more weeks, 5 more weeks....and then finals...egad.
Enough for now.
-allie-

Update *EDIT*

i finished chapter eight tonight. I will probably get nine done too. I have upped my word count to 16774! I am excited. I am glad I am working ahead, because i actually have the time to write this week...or at least tonight. I figure that my good days will balance out the days when i can't write...at all.

Other than my insane amount of writing that i have been doing (over 8,ooo words in two days!) I have been majorly working on school stuff. Yes, this year is harder than last. And next year will be harder than now. I just have to keep telling myself, six more weeks including finals, six more weeks, six more weeks. I am excited and looking forward to next semester when I will have NO FRIDAY CLASSES! can we say yay? YAY!

Lol. Anyway, everything else is smooth and running its course. Roomie is commuting this week. Her dad is sick, so shes being an incredible daughter and being there for him. She's something...

Anyway, because I can, i am posting a small blurb...enjoy...

My mom joined the church when I wasn’t even born. She moved to Harpers Grove to have me. Thinking it was a good idea to leave the congested city where she lived and met my dad, she moved and made fast friends with the women in the neighborhood and town. While Harpers Grove is big enough that she never met everyone in the town, it was small enough to welcome her, and unborn me, with open arms.
When I was born, she was showered with gifts and things to help. Even the crib was donated as she had nothing upon arrival. We spent our first years living in a small room in someone else’s house until she found a steady job and saved her money. Eventually, she bought our house and in we moved.
With all the inconsistency in my younger years, I remember one place most of all, that was our church. Our church was founded with the town and boosted many members. There was a priest I adored when I was child and every Sunday, I would sit next to him while he taught the children of the parish. Father Michael and I became fast friends.
Even into my teenage years, I went to Father Michael for everything. He was a good confidant and never judged me for my decisions. I respected him and regarded him as the father I never had growing up.
Among my many regrets is the fact I never returned for his funeral the year before I came home. I was out on a tour, displaying my photography in galleries across the United States when my mom finally located and called me.
“Father Michael died last night.”
“What?” She was breathing so hard and her voice was choked up.
“He died in his sleep last night. The funeral is on Thursday, just thought you should know.” She hung up, obviously heartbroken. I sat still in my hotel room for the longest time, trying to decide whether to go home or not when my publicist came in.
“Madeline, we need to go.” Shaking off the thoughts of Father Michael, I threw myself into the tour.
It was Friday morning that I realized I sent no flowers, made no arrangements to go home, nothing. I had forgotten about him. I sank to my knees and wept and no one could console me. I had failed my father.

*EDIT* As i said, i finished chapter nine not so long, which brings my total word count to....drumroll...19,364 words! I am on a high right now. I know i can go at least THREE days without writing and not fall behind. I rock. Simple as that. So, time for another blurb.

“What do you want to do Maddie?”
“About what?” He pointed to my belly. “Oh, I don’t know Justin.”
“We need to decide Maddie, you’re getting farther along. Before you know it you’re going to show or its going to be too late to decide what to do.”
I sighed and continued walking ahead on the path, leaving him behind me. He was right, of course. Already my jeans were tightening around my middle and I was getting sick every morning. Soon someone else would see the growing belly for what it was and I wouldn’t be able to hide the increasing bulge.
“Wait Maddie, don’t get upset.”
“I’m not, just…frustrated I guess.”
“Baby, stop.” I turned to face him and sighed. He placed a hand on my stomach and held it there, warming me. “I don’t know what to do Maddie. I don’t think we can keep it. We’re not old enough to care for it; we have no money, nothing.”
“I know.” I started walking again, pulling away from him. “I’ll make an appointment tomorrow morning to see the doctor, okay?”
“Hey, come here.” I stopped and turned, eyes filled with tears.
“I wish we could keep it.”
“Me too.” He held me for a long time as I wept. We were not mature enough to handle it, and so I headed to the doctor the next day with a heavy heart.

NaNoWriMo-untitled novel-chapter seven

*alright, so i lied. THIS will be the last chapter I post.
I decided against my former decision, because i am really proud of this chapter. I like the way it turned out...and it has a lot of me in it. You'll understand if you know me well enough. :) Enjoy!*

“Do you want me to take you home?” He broke the silence and my eyes were torn away from the dying flames.
“Not yet, we still have some things to talk about.” He nodded in his slow exaggerated way and I was quiet again, tucking my legs beneath me. I wasn’t prepared for his next question.
“Do you still love me?” It was stated simply, with hardly any sign of emotion. I was taken aback on how to answer, but decided to be true to my heart.
“Well, we aren’t the same people as we were, but…yes. I do love you.” I avoided his eyes as I spoke, but turned to him a couple seconds later. Intently, he was staring at me, but not in a way to make me uncomfortable. I could see the firelight flickering in his eyes, reflecting in their obsidian depths.
“I have never dated anyone besides you.” Again, his voice was soft, matching the mood of the room in the dim light.
“Neither have I.”
“Why not? You’re beautiful, you have nothing to lose.”
“Thank you for saying so. I guess I never found anyone that even interested me a little.” And besides, there is still something I have yet to tell you…and my mom.
“Oh, well, neither did I.” We fell silent again, until he got up to put another log on the fire. Returning to his seat, a little closer than before, he asked another hard question. “Did you ever think about me?”
“Every day.” It was honestly spoken and I waited for his response, none came.
The fire was sending waves of light flickering throughout his den and I let my gaze wander in the silence of the wake of my words, avoiding his eyes and intent stare. His book collection was amazing, spanning the shelves that lined the room. My wandering eyes were stopped when I passed my gaze over him.
Justin was sitting very still, his eyes watching the fire. My heart beat faster when I saw it; the single tear that rolled down his cheek and the wetness in his eyes.
“Justin…” I didn’t know what to say. “Why are you crying?”
“I thought about you too.” It took a second to register that he was responding to my previous answer of a few minutes before.
“Why are you crying?” Turning to me, he wiped his eyes and sighed.
“I missed you Maddie. Seeing you sitting there, I realized that this could have been us every day for the past ten years. You and me, always you and me.” I was touched, but hurt.
“I’m sorry. I never meant to hurt you like this.” Beginning to twist my hands together in my lap, I continued, “I thought about you every day, in everything I did. And I missed you. But once I was gone…I thought you would never take me back, so I never did come back. And then, before I knew it, years passed and I was still missing you.”
He sighed and stood, rubbing between his eyes in a movement I did often.
“You should have come back to me Maddie. I would have taken you back.”
Silence filled the room as he stood, looking out the room’s lone window. I watched him stand still as time passed, memorizing his form, the way he stood, the way his hair fell across his forehead in its wavy fashion. I formed the question carefully in my mind and slowly summoned the nerve to ask it as I stood and walked over to him. As I came to stand before him, he lifted his eyes and watched me as I breathed deep. I looked into his eyes as I asked it, mesmerized by him, his scent and his being.
“Will you take me back now?”

“Come on, step here and be careful.” I followed his voice carefully, gingerly stepping where I could not see. He had appeared at my house an hour earlier with a blindfold and proceeded to tell me nothing of where we were going.
“Make sure I don’t fall.” I said it just as I slipped and put my hand to the ground, feeling a sharp pain in my palm.
“You cut yourself, come here.” I felt him wrap something around my hand, which was now throbbing.
“Where are we going?” He led me, pushing me onward and muttering directions.
“You’ll see when we get there, won’t you?” Sighing, I pushed on with him behind me, up a slope for what seemed like hours. Eventually, the ground evened and he pulled me to a stop. I felt the sun on my face and smiled as a strong wind whipped my hair around my cheeks.
“Okay, I’m going to take off the blindfold now, alright? Keep your eyes closed until I tell you.” He untied it and I felt the strong sunbeams melting into my eyelids. “Ready, on the count of three. One…two…three.”
I opened my eyes and gasped. Before me lay the lake, glittering in the setting sun. The leaves were varieties of deep red and gold and orange. I turned to him to see a big smile.
“Isn’t it beautiful?” He wrapped an arm around my waist as he spoke, holding me close to his side.
“It’s gorgeous.” I rested my head on his shoulder and watched the sun sink further into the horizon. “I am the luckiest girl in the world.”
“Why do you say that?” He said it with a hint of a laugh.
“Because normal boyfriends don’t do these kinds of things for their girlfriends. I have you, some sort of super boyfriend.” He did laugh then, hard and sure at my comment.
“Perhaps I only do these things to show you how much I do love you.” That comment held no laughter, only seriousness as he spun me to face him, my hair still blowing in the wind.
“I love you too.” Pressing a light kiss to my lips, he smiled and held me close, resting his head on the top of mine. I breathed him in deep, wanting the smell to linger long after I was home and in bed.
“Do you think that other people love each other as much as we do?” I thought this over a minute before answering.
“No one will ever love someone as much as I love you.”
“That’s corny.” He chuckled with me and held me tighter.
“I mean it Justin. I love you so much it scares me sometimes. I’m afraid that one day you’ll decide to get rid of me and find some other prettier girl to love and impress like this.” He pulled away and held my shoulders firmly, all amusement gone from his eyes.
“I will never, ever leave you. I am only myself with you, no one else.”
I leaned in and kissed him, wrapping my arms tightly around his neck. He kissed me back, deep and hard, filling me with his assurance he would never leave. Eventually, we broke our embrace and I smiled with him, pressing our foreheads together.
“Justin, I promise I will never leave you.”
“I’ll hold you to that.”

“Maddie…” It was deep and hoarse as I stepped closer to him, close enough to reach up and touch his wavy brown hair. “This is so hard.”
I stayed quiet, knowing he needed to respond before I could do anything else. Those eyes were so intent on me, so dark and full of…love that I couldn’t help put place a hand to his cheek. His eyes closed at the touch and I held his cheek in my hand, feeling the stubble rough on my palm, the same palm which bore the scar from that day climbing to see the lake at sunset.
“Maddie…” Knowing I was pushing us both, I removed my hand and stepped back, lowering my head in normal fashion. “We can’t do this.”
“I know. I’m sorry; emotions got the better of me. I don’t like to see you in pain; I’m not used to it.” Self-consciously, I stepped backwards again, but he stopped me.
“I meant, we can’t do this yet.” Lifting my eyes to his, I saw an all too familiar expression, the one that meant he was struggling not to kiss me. “We still have things to talk about, things to work out before we can think about kissing each other, or even trying to rekindle a relationship that ended years ago.”
“I know.” I stepped back, but again he pulled me to him, right against his chest. Refusing to look at his face, I stared intently at the buttons on his shirt, memorizing their color and shape.
“I think we both know that there are still feelings here, feeling between us. We need to work them out before we begin anything.” I nodded, noticing how the fire reflected in the shiny surface of the button. “I want to tell you something, because I feel I should.”
“Alright.”
“You have to look at me though, not my buttons.” Shocked, I looked up and he smiled for a second.
“How did you know…?”
“I know you well Maddie. Some things never change.” I smiled at him, genuinely. How I missed those eyes. “Maddie, I haven’t kissed anyone since you, I haven’t been with anyone since you.”
“I haven’t either.” We were both speaking so quietly, afraid to break the air with any sharpness of tone.
“I’m not used to this feeling Maddie.” He reached out and drew me in. I placed my hands on his chest as he held me tight. Pressing my ear against his chest, I could hear the thump of his heart, resonating in my ear for an eternity. He was still here, living and breathing and loving me after all I did. Perhaps I could tell him soon, without the argument I knew was coming. “I’m not used to holding you like this.”
“I missed you too.” He pressed his lips to my head, mimicking the same action he did earlier that night.
“God, this is hard.” He pulled away gently and brushed my cheek gently. “I should take you home now.”
“Alright.” Wrapping an arm around my waist, he led me through the house and outside into the moonlight. “Hold on a minute.”
I turned in the moonlight until I found it. He came up behind me and wrapped his arms around my waist, pulling me to him.
“I remember Maddie.” His voice was like the barest of breezes, brushing tenderly by my ears in the night.
“Then wish with me.” And like the seventeen year old I used to be, I found Orion in the sky. I hadn’t done this in years. Closing my eyes tightly, I wished long and hard, until I knew Orion had heard it.
“Are you ready?” It was a murmur in my ear and I shivered from that and the cold.
“I think he heard me this time.”
“Let’s go.” He helped me into the Explorer and drove me home. I sat in silence, forehead pressed against the cool glass, watching the nighttime shadows pass in the dark.

“Have you ever wished upon a star?” He started laughing, and then stopped when he realized I was serious.
“No, do you?” I turned from him and faced up towards the sky.
“Every night when I can see the stars I do.” He came up behind me and wrapped me in his arms.
“Teach me.” I turned and dragged him with me until I found it.
“When he’s in the sky, I wish with Orion, that constellation there.”
“Which one?” He was scanning the sky, the endless amounts of stars that were gliding gently through the black.
“See those three stars in a row? That’s his belt.” I felt him nod. “Orion was a hunter. Ever since I was kid, I have wished on him when he’s in the sky. Promise you won’t make fun of me?”
“Of course I won’t.” He pressed his lips against the top of my head as I continued.
“I used to believe that Orion would protect me from everything. I thought one day he would come and give me the answers I have been asking for. He hasn’t yet, but I know one day he will.” I blushed slightly, but he held me closer. “I think of him as my guardian, looking over me and keeping watch in the night. Is that dumb of me?”
“No, nothing you believe is dumb to me. Now teach me how to wish.” He stuffed his hands into my sweatshirt’s pouch and poked my stomach.
“Shh, none of that. Close your eyes and think of the one thing you wish for most of all. Think on it long and hard and tell Orion to listen. He will and maybe one day it’ll come true.”
“Alright.” I closed my eyes tight, but peeked to look at him; Justin was standing, his eyes closed and lips moving. Smiling to myself, I closed my eyes and thought my wish, long and hard. “Are you done?”
“Yes.” I opened my eyes and looked at him, he was smiling.
“What did you wish for?”
“I’m not telling.”
“Can I tell you what I wished for?”
“I guess, but it might not come true then.” I giggled as he spun me and pulled me into his chest.
“What I want most of all, is a kiss. One simple kiss to show me that you love me.”
“I kiss you every day.” He shook his head.
“No, show me through your kiss that you love me.” I smiled a little and leaned in.
“Alright.” I pressed my lips to his, and thought love. I can’t think of how to say it, but I put myself into that kiss. Every emotion, every feeling of love he gave me I poured into him, giving him all I could. He was the one to pull away, breathing heavily.
“I love you too.” He pressed his lips to mine again quickly, then nestled my head into his shoulder.
We stayed that way for a long time, watching the stars overhead. I could hear his heart as it slowed from a quick pace, thumping gently against my ear, his arms wrapped around me, holding me safe.

We drove quietly into the driveway and it was then that I finally looked at the clock.
“It’s 12:15!” He laughed at my surprise.
“Didn’t you know it was that late?”
“No, where did the time go?” He laughed again and tugged the end of my hair gently.
“You still have no concept of time I see.”
“Some things never change, right?” We both laughed and I climbed out the car. I was surprised to see him doing the same.
“I’m walking you to the door, is that alright?” It was in response to the look of confusion apparent on my face.
“Yes, that’s fine.” Smiling to myself, I climbed the porch stairs slowly and turned to face him, standing on the last step before the porch. “Thank you for dinner.”
“Thank you for talking to me.”
“We still have a lot to talk about Justin.”
“I know.” He reached for me and I held him close, hugging him goodbye, the tension from earlier gone. “Maybe we can have dinner again Monday night?”
“Yes, that would be great.”
“Same time?” I nodded and he reached for me again. Resting my head on his shoulder, I could only think of all the things we had yet to discuss, the things still swimming before my eyes. Including the best kept secret. “I’ll miss you.”
Pulling back, his eyes held all sincerity.
“I promise I won’t leave before Monday.” He smiled with me and stepped down a step.
“Goodbye Maddie.”
“You know…you’re the only one that calls me that.” Grinning sheepishly, he stepped up again.
“It’s what I’ve always called you. Do you mind?”
“Not at all. See you Monday.” He grabbed my arm and pulled me close again. Just watching me with those dark eyes, I felt a shiver travel down my back, touching every nerve ending on the way down and up again. Leaning forward, he pressed a small kiss on my lips that sent tremors racing throughout my body. I did love him. He still did the same things to me he did ten years prior. He still held my heart, all of it.
“Good night Maddie.”
“Good night Justin.” I love you always.
I stood on the porch and watched him driving away, my heart lighter than it had been in…years. Many things were left to open to him, hurt could still happen, on both sides, but tonight had been a step forward. And perhaps a step to restoring the love I had left behind ten years earlier.
He would always be mine, eternally mine.

NaNoWriMo-untitled novel-chapter six

*This is an important note, so read it before the chapter. I have decided that this will be the LAST chapter I will post. why? because I am moving into the deeper areas of the plot and I don't want some evil person to steal, which might happen. Also, if I ever decide to attempt to get this published, having the entirety of it on the web is not a good idea.
So, with that, i give the last public installment of the novel. It is very long, so consider yourself forwarned (i think it was 6 1/2 pages in word, single spaced). The tone changes in this section, immensely...So, with all that said, enjoy, leave notes and encouragment. (I am happy to say I am AHEAD of my daily quota for words and still going strong...I am now at 11,885 words!)
Enjoy the last part you will see...unless you personally request the next sections.*

“He told you that?” I set my knitting on the couch beside me, ready and waiting for the onslaught that was inevitable.
“Yes.” I couldn’t read her expression.
“And?” I was quiet, scared she was going to explode into a lecture, or tell me it was irresponsible.
“Why didn’t you tell me?” She was sincere. I could see that, hear it in her voice.
“I guess I was scared, we were both scared. We didn’t know what we supposed to do.” I watched her as she continued to knit. Perhaps this wasn’t going to be so bad.
“I know, I understand all that. But you still should have told me. I would have been angry with you both, but that’s it.” I nodded. “Anyway, it’s in the past now and what’s done is done, right?”
“Yes, it is.” I returned to my knitting.
“I love you Madeline.” I looked up at her; she had tears in her eyes. I got up and knelt beside her and hugged her.
“I love you too mom.” I held her tight for a long time, my heart a little lighter.

When I first met Michelle, I was newly arrived in New York, living out of my car and parking it in various garages. I was also three months pregnant.
I found her ad requesting a roommate one morning while I was drinking a cup of awful coffee from a fast food place. All it said was, “20 year old female seeking female roommate,” along with her address and phone number. Being homeless and pregnant, I had no other choice.
We hit it off from the beginning and she inquired about my pregnancy, Justin and my life. Willingly, and surprisingly, I told it all. Michelle reminded me a lot of Mary, and to this day, she remains my only true friend in New York. She took a chance on a pregnant eighteen year old and invited me to stay with her. I think more than anything, she felt sorry for me.
Michelle and I were roommates for six years, until I hit it big and could afford to live on my own. She was everything, a friend, a sister, and a surrogate mom, teaching me the ways to survive in New York.
She also holds my biggest secret.

At around five, my mom stepped in my room, where I was typing away at my laptop.
“I’m leaving now.” She smiled and came to sit next to me. “What are you writing?”
“Nothing, just my thoughts.” I closed the laptop.
“Don’t be nervous about tonight. I’m sure Justin just wants to talk.”
“I can’t help it, I am nervous. I’m worried he’s going to attack me, not that he doesn’t have reason to…” I set the laptop beside me and she took my hands in hers.
“Madeline, you need to stop attacking yourself for what you have done in the past. While I don’t know all of why you left, you must have needed to. So don’t worry and everything will be fine.” She stood and kissed my forehead. Walking to the door, we heard a car honk outside. “That’s Jenny, she’s my ride tonight.”
“Mom?” She stopped and looked back.
“Yes?”
“You’re too good to me.” She smiled and left, calling back,
“I know.”

When I fell sick in the September after I moved to New York, Michelle took a few days off work to take care of me. I was too weak to make it to the toilet and was making a mess all over the place.
She was there constantly to rub my back, hold my hair from my face as I vomited and force-fed me soup. Without her, I would have died, literally.
It was in the days after I got better that I decided to make some of it up to her. Escaping to the corner drug store, I came back with a box of chocolates and a card. When she opened the card she laughed until she cried.
“You are the best mom in the world. Thanks for all you do.”

At exactly six o’clock, the doorbell rang. Taking one deep breath, I opened it and smiled. He was standing there in a pair of khakis and a blue dress shirt, his wavy hair combed in a haphazard way. He still caught my breath, even after all these years.
“You look nice Maddie.” I looked down at my own attire. Not wanting to look like I tried to hard, I choose a long black skirt and a dark green turtleneck, normal attire for me.
“Thanks, you too.” I shut the door firmly behind him and followed him off the porch. A shiny new Explorer, the one I saw that morning at the park, sat in the driveway and he opened the door for me.
He climbed in beside me and we were off. I let my mind wander as I watched out the windows. I always remembered fall in the years I spent in New York with no trees. Even central park couldn’t compare to this country. We sat in comfortable silence until he turned off onto a dirt road. Not recognizing where we were going, he chuckled at my face.
“Don’t know where you are?”
“No, I don’t remember there being any houses out here.” The road we were on was skinny and bumpy and I was jolted a little in my seat.
“That’s because there were no houses until I built mine.” As he finished speaking, the trees cleared and a log cabin gleamed in the setting sun.
“It’s beautiful.” He parked the car in front and I hopped out, not giving him the chance to be gentlemanly. He grabbed my arm and led me gracefully around puddles to his front door.
“I still have some landscaping to do, and I need to pave the drive, but it’s enough for now.” I nodded as he led me inside. All I could think was, masculine. It was classic bold, manly colors and furniture, complete with a deer head in the foyer. I pointed to it and he laughed. “When my dad saw the foyer, he gave me that to put there. I knew he would be offended if I didn’t, so there it stays.”
I followed him into the kitchen, where he pulled out a bar stool and poured white wine into a simple glass for me and set to work preparing dinner.
“Sorry I don’t have anything fancier, but this isn’t New York, or wherever you’ve been.”
“Justin, if you’re going to continually attack me, I might as well leave.” He looked up from chopping carrots
“You’re the one who left Maddie.”
“Yes, but you don’t have to be rude to me.”
“You don’t think I have a right too?” He was standing next to me, and I could feel my heart quaking.
“Look, I came here because you asked and because I needed to talk to you anyway. I know what I did was wrong and I shouldn’t have done it, but you don’t need to be a jerk to me.” He was silent. “If you don’t think you can do that, then you can take me home.”
“No, I want you to stay. I want to talk to you even more than you want to talk to me.” I nodded and sipped wine. “I’m sorry I snapped.”
“It’s alright, we’ve had worse.” He smiled and returned to cooking.

On Valentine’s Day of my junior year, I was dressed and waiting for him to arrive. He was taking me out to dinner and to go dancing. My mom had bought me a dress just for that night and I had saved enough for a new watch for him. As seven o’clock came and went, I was worried. But when eight o’clock came, I was angry.
Mom continuously was saying he would come any minute, but I knew he wasn’t. At ten, I gave up and went upstairs, pounding the steps and fighting back tears. About I’ve minutes later, as I was contemplating what I would say to him the next day, my mom came in.
“He’s outside and he wants to talk to you.”
“I don’t want to talk to him. Tell him to go away.” She grabbed my arm and pulled me from my chair.
“Grow up Madeline, go talk to the boy.” I yanked myself free from her grip and shook her off as I started downstairs, still in my shoes and dress.
“Fine.”
I opened the front door and stepped outside. He was waiting just off the porch, his back to me. It was pouring rain and his shirt and hair cling to him.
“Justin?” He turned and I saw the pained look in his eyes as he saw me.
“You look so beautiful Maddie.” I nodded and stepped down. He looked freezing.
“Come up here where it’s not wet.” He shook his head no.
“I’m sorry Maddie, my car broke down and I had to fix it and…” He stopped talking and I noticed his eyes were wet, but not from the rain.
“Honey, what’s wrong?”
“I’m an awful boyfriend Maddie. I should have called.”
“I was worried about you.” He stepped onto the first step and was shivering.
“I’m sorry, I screwed up our wonderful night.”
“It’s okay.” I reached for him and he pulled away.
“No, its not. I screwed up.” I nodded and trembled in my dress. He looked downward and water trailed down the tip of his nose in an endless stream.
“I love you Justin.”
“I love you too Maddie. I got this for you.” He held out a small velvet box and not caring, I stepped down to him and was instantly soaked. “Honey, you’re ruining your dress.”
“No, its okay. The dress doesn’t matter.” He touched my arm and opened the box.
Inside was a simple silver chain and a small heart locket. He undid it from its holder and held it up. Looping it around my neck, he clasped it on.
“Look at the back.” He held it up to my eyes and I strained to read it.
“Eternally Yours.” I smiled and kissed him, my hair clinging to my cheeks and my dress soaked.
“It’s beautiful.”
“Like you.”

We sat down at his simple wood table and ate. He was a good cook and the salmon was cooked to perfection. We talked little, mostly small talk as we ate. Somehow, he was different and I couldn’t lay my hand on it.
As we finished, he poured me another glass of wine and led me to the den, where he lit a fire. I admired his books and touched the spines lovingly. He watched me as I stopped and smiled at a few of them.
“Have you read her books before?”
“Whose?” He came over to stand beside me.
“Mary Daniels.” He pulled one out and held it up.
“No, I don’t think I have.”
“You should, she’s an amazing writer. Although, I’ve heard that she’s quite remarkable and odd.”
“Why?” I took the book from him and glanced at the cover.
“She refuses to do face to face interviews or sign autographs in person. This is her pen name, or so I’ve been told. I guess he has something to hide, or doesn’t want people to know who she really is. She must have some demons in her closet to write the way she does.”
“That is intriguing.” I raised an eyebrow.
“Yes, I would love to meet her though. I love her writing, her way of thinking. She’s like no other writer I’ve read.” A small smile crept across my face as he recounted his love for Mary Daniels. What a small world we live in.
“I think I will have to read this then. Mind if I borrow it?”
“Not at all, just don’t go running off with it.” Winking, I let that slide as we sat on the leather loveseat.
“So…” It was awkward; actually knowing we were about to talk.
“Yes…” We both laughed and sipped nervously at the wine.
“Are you glad you came home?” It was a simple question, a good way to lead into the harder topics.
“Yes. I missed it. New York is nothing like this. Its all hustle and brimming with people. But good old Harpers Grove is…just itself.”
“That’s why I love it.” I nodded as he continued. “How’s your mom doing?”
“Alright I guess. Actually, we haven’t talked much about…her cancer since I’ve been here. It’s more like…we’re trying to get used to each other and know each other first.”
“I’m sure you two have a lot to talk about.”
“Yeah, well, we got a big issue out today.” An eyebrow rose. “She mentioned that you told her about the…pregnancy.” I looked up from the spot on his carpet where my attention had been focused.
“Oh…” He seemed uncomfortable and hurt. “I felt I should have told her.”
“Yeah, well, I’m kind of glad you did, but we should have told her earlier.”
He nodded and pinched the area between his eyes in frustration.
“That’s not a time I remember well Maddie.” I was quiet, knowing there was more. “Is that why you left? Because you were pregnant?”
“It was part of it, a large part of it. I didn’t want everyone to know. You know how it is in small towns like this. Once one person knows, everyone knows.” He looked hurt, pained.
“So you left me?” There was no mistaking that he wasn’t over this, not that he should be.
“Justin…” I just sat still, not knowing what to say. “That’s not all of it, so don’t get upset.”
“Alright, then tell me why you did leave.” He sat with his arm around the back of the couch, his fingers almost touching my hair.
“I guess things became too much for me. There was so much pressure from you, and my mom and everyone. The pregnancy only added to it.”
“So you decided the best option was to leave and not tell anyone where you were going and call two years later.” I shot him a nasty look, but he interrupted my protests. “I’m not trying to be rude Maddie, but that’s what you did. You left no note; you didn’t tell me you were unhappy. You didn’t try to fix the problems in any rational way. Instead, you left and deserted everyone who cared about you.”
“It wasn’t like I was purposely avoiding everyone and everything here Justin, I just…didn’t want to deal with it anymore.” Pain shot through my head as I talked. All of this was going to give me a massive form of migraine.
“Maddie, that’s what you did. I’m being honest in telling you how it looked from my point of view. Your mom called me that morning asking if I was with you. I said no and we both thought you went shopping or something. When you didn’t show up that night, we knew you ran away.”
“Did she tell you about what happened the night before I left?” I was quiet, staring at the flickering flames in the fireplace.
“She said you guys had an argument…about your dad.”
“Yes, a big one.” I walked over to the fireplace and rested my weary mind on the mantle, my hands on either side of my cheeks. The flames warmed me and sent shivers down my spine. “What I wanted growing up; most of all was any information about my dad. No one understood how hard it was for me to deal with the fact I had no father, no one to talk to about it. She refused to answer any of my questions and told me to shut up when I begged.”
“Maddie,” his voice was soft and hoarse, “You could have told me. You could have told me anything and I would have listened.”
He was standing behind me now, his voice floating above the cracking of the logs and my own heavy breathing.
“There were just some things I couldn’t say to you. You wouldn’t understand any of it, or you couldn’t have. You had a father and mother who loved you. I had only a mother who hid things from me.” I felt his hand on my hip and he turned me to face him. I could feel his warmth as he stood only inches from my face.
“You could have told me Maddie. That’s why I was your boyfriend, I loved you. I still love you in a way.” I shook my head and lowered it, biting my lip.
“No, I couldn’t have. Did she tell you what I found that night?” I returned my gaze to his and he shook his head no. “I found a box in the guest room closet. There were piles of letters from him, and presents not opened. He knew who I was and I didn’t know him. The man wrote me a monthly letter for eighteen years and she showed me none of it.”
“Do you think she had a reason to hide them from you?” I could feel his breath on my face and I breathed deep, trying to still my fluttering heart. He placed a hand on the mantle beside me and rested the other on my hip. The touch sent my heart racing again, even though he didn’t mean it in that way.
“All I know is that she walked in as I started to read a letter and she began screaming at me. She told me to never go in there again, swearing at me, telling me I was the worst daughter, not respecting her privacy. Then, she took the letters and threw them in the fire downstairs.” I stopped, tears coming from my eyes now, but I wasn’t ashamed like I had been minutes earlier. “She destroyed my only way of finding my dad. I don’t even know his name!”
In a swift movement, he gathered me into his chest while I cried like I hadn’t in years. All the emotions of that night came exploding out as I sobbed into his chest. With his arms wrapped around me, he stroked my long black hair and rubbed my back.
“You could have told me Maddie. You could have.” It was so soft, whispering into my ear, his hands in my hair, on my back. Pressing his lips to the crown of my head, he pulled back and looked me in the eye. “Don’t ever think you can’t tell me anything ever again.”
“Alright…does this mean you don’t hate me anymore?” He smiled and released me fully.
“Not as much as I did.” With a wink, he sat me back down on the loveseat beside him and we watched the fire die.

“Tell me about Justin, your boyfriend.” I laughed nervously and looked at my twisting hands in my lap.
“I don’t think he’s my boyfriend anymore.” She looked confused, so I continued. “When I left home, I never told anyone where I was going, I just packed and left.”
“Was it something he did?”
“No, it was never anything he did. It was only me.” Michelle reached for my hand and held it.
“You’ve been through a lot, haven’t you?”
“I guess it was enough to drive me away.” I smiled a little and she gripped my hand tighter in her own.
“Tell me about him.” I sighed and began.
“I met Justin on the first day of first grade, he sat next to me. I was smitten with him from that day on; I just didn’t realize it until I was in junior high. He was always the quiet boy in class, the mysterious type, except with me. With me he was always open and free, until the later years of junior high. He met some boys like him and he changed a little, became a little surer of himself. We grew apart then, but it was at the end of my sophomore year that we clicked again.
“We were just so happy together, as friends, but then one day things changed, and we never looked back. He just leaned in and kissed me and that was it, we were inseparable again.” I smiled to myself, and then realized I had babbled on. “I’m sorry.”
“No…” She fell quiet. “Why did you ever leave him if he was so good to you?” I could only look at her and answer simply.
“I ask myself that question every day.”

NaNoWriMo-untitled novel-Chapter five

*here it is...important stuff following in the next few chapters...*

The following morning dawned cold and dreary. I dressed in sweats and threw my hair into a ponytail. Stepping outside, I noticed it rained the previous night. The smell of worms lingered in the air and off I went. I decided that instead of running through town, I would drive to the park and run there. It was peaceful and I wouldn’t run into anyone.
As I drove, I encountered no other cars, but pulling into the lot of the park, there were people there. Surprised by the fact it was only 5:20, I parked and locked the Mercedes next to a new Explorer.
I found my favorite path after stretching and I was off, running along the trail in the quiet autumn morning. A few sticks cracked under my feet, but the leaves only made a sloshing sound, wet from the rain. I rounded the corner and started up the slight hill. On the other side was a valley, one I remembered from my youth and from the days I spent here with Justin. I hadn’t realized that I was going this way until I reached the top and started down.
The path twisted to the right and down I went until it met the tiny stream at the bottom. Slowing myself, I jumped over the stream and continued on, the sun rising slowly in the sky. It turned again, left this time and down a little farther.
That’s when I stopped and tried to turn around. But he had already seen me.
“Madeline?”

Dear Justin,
I know you must be mad at me for leaving, but I had no other choice. I couldn’t take being in Harpers Grove anymore. That Madeline wasn’t happy in that life.
You were not the entire reason I left. There were many others, like my mom. She never could tell me about my father. Do you know what its like to grow up, never knowing anything about where you came from? Of course you don’t, you had a family to surround you when you were growing up. You had everything. I had my mom.
The couple weeks have been really hard on me. I know that if I stayed, people would find out about what happened, our choice. I can’t live with that. So, I left.
I don’t expect you to understand, but maybe you will one day. I just can’t live up to your expectations anymore. Maybe I don’t want to be the same old Maddie. I can’t be. Hopefully, I can discover something of myself here, become new and be happy. Than maybe one day I’ll come back.
You’re the only boy I have ever kissed, and maybe you’ll be the only boy I will ever kiss in my life. You know I love you, I think about you every day. But the pain was too much for me. I couldn’t stay. You know, deep in your heart, that things would have failed between us eventually. We had too much put on our plates and we are so young.
I’m in New York. If you ever decide to come, look me up and I’ll show you my city. It’s a wonderful place.
I never wrote a letter to my mom to say goodbye, as I am sure she has already told you. If you see her, tell her I think of her often. Maybe, after I fix myself, I will come back and we will be together again. I still love you, I will always love you. Don’t forget that.
Forever Yours,
Maddie

“Hi.” I completely stopped, and attempted to fix my hair.
“What are you doing here?” He put down his paintbrush and walked over to the path I was standing on.
“I’m in town for a few weeks, staying with my mom.” I lowered my head, trying to avoid those eyes of his.
“Oh, I should have known you would come.” He stood, staring at me. I could feel his gaze boring into my skull. “Or maybe not, seeing as I haven’t seen you in ten years.”
“Ouch.” I looked up and saw his hurt.
“Don’t say you didn’t deserve that.” He stepped closer, making us only two feet apart.
“No, I did, but it still hurts.” I shifted on my feet again, my muscles tensing, telling me to run, far and fast to get away from here, away from him.
“We have a lot to talk about Maddie.” I winced at the sound of my nickname. “What? Did I offend you?” He reached out a hand to touch me, but I lowered my head again.
“No, I’m just not used to people calling me that. You were the only one to use that name.” I raised my eyes and saw him nod. He stepped closer and I could smell him. I closed my eyes and breathed slowly, drawing in his familiar scent.
“Maddie, we need to talk.” He touched my shoulder, but I stood my ground.
“Yes, we do, but not now.” He nodded again as I stepped back. “I’m sorry I disturbed your painting.”
“It’s okay; I was just surprised to see someone else here. Its only 6.”
“I’m an early riser.” Again, he nodded, sending his wavy hair into his eyes. Casually, he swept it to the side.
“How about dinner tonight?”
“What?” I was startled.
“I want to talk with you, so about over dinner?”
“I don’t know Justin. I haven’t seen anyone. I don’t think I can handle being in public…” He smirked a little.
“Afraid of your past?”
“Yes.” I said it matter of factly and he stepped back, a surprised look on his face.
“I’ll cook.”
“I don’t know where you live.” Please, back down.
“I’ll pick you up, at six.” He smiled again, and returned to his canvas. “I won’t be late. We have many things to talk about Maddie.”
I nodded and left. I sprinted my heart out, back up the path I came down a few minutes earlier. My chest was tight and a lump was forming in my throat. Back in the safety of the forest, I rested against a tree and let it all out. Tears streamed down my face, as I hit the hard oak of the tree.
My past was catching up to me.

On my first day of first grade, my mom walked me inside to meet the teacher. Mrs. Marley showed me my seat, with a blue plastic chair and my name printed on a sheet of paper taped to the top of my desk. A little boy was sitting next to me in our group of four desks. He had on blue overalls and a white t-shirt. His hair was a dark brown, like mine and his eyes were dark.
I eyed him as I sat down and put my book bag under my chair.
“Mrs. Marley said to put our bags in our cubbies after we emptied them into our desks.” He sounded so smart.
“Oh, okay.” Standing back up, I opened the desk top and my book bag and began unloading pencils and paper into it. “Where are our cubbies?”
“I’ll show you, come on.” He grabbed my arm and pulled me to the back of the room. Looking across the wall, I found my slot and shoved my bag inside. He smiled and pulled me all the way back to my desk.
We sat and stared as more kids entered the room and did as I did. Another girl and boy joined as at our table. They were Mary and Keith. Mary and I became instant friends as we chattered about Barbies. The two boys tried talking, and then stopped as Keith got annoyed with the nameless boy.
Mrs. Marley came back in as told us all to get to know each other and introduce ourselves. He stuck out his hand and shook mine.
“I’m Justin.”
“I’m Madeline.”
We were inseparable from that day on.

Upon arriving home, my mother greeted me at the door, waffles in the waffle maker. She sat me down and placed a full plate in front of me.
“If I keep eating like this, I’m going to get fat.” She laughed as she sat down to join me.
“Honey, you could stand to gain a few pounds. You look really thin.” I shrugged. I was used to hearing that from people in New York, although they praised me for it. “Where did you go running at?”
“I went to the park.”
“Oh, there was probably no one there this early.”
“You would be surprised.” I said it sarcastically and a look of shock appeared on her face. “I saw Justin.”
“Oh! Well…what did you say?”
“He’s picking me up tonight for dinner.” Her eyebrows rose. “We need to talk.”
“I see. I hope everything is talked out then.”
The rest of breakfast was spent in silence. Like the morning before, she insisted on cleaning up while I showered.
When I came back down, she was sitting in her favorite chair in the living room, watching the birds in the tree. She smiled when she saw me and reached for her knitting.
“I don’t feel like going out much today, I’m in some kind of pain.” Worried I knelt by her side.
“What’s wrong mom?”
“It’s just the cancer sweetheart; there is nothing you can do. I already took my pills.” I sank back on my heels.
“I’m sorry. I should be doing a better job taking care of you.”
“No, you coming home is enough to make me happy.” She patted my cheek and picked up her knitting, clicking the needles together.
I sat on the couch and watched her for awhile, then left to get my own yarn from the car. Sitting back down, she shot me a questioning look as I ran upstairs to grab another of my bags.
“What’s all this?”
“I’m going to knit with you, although, I’m not as good as you are.” I smiled as I pulled out my needles, and a half finished blue scarf.
“When did you learn to knit?”
“About six years ago. A friend taught me one night when we were bored.” She smiled as we started to knit together, our needles clacking together in a peaceful rhythm.
“I have my fellowship meeting tonight at the church, so you’ll be alone here until he comes to pick you up.” My stomach lurch at the mention of him. “I’ll be back around nine and then I’ll head to bed.”
“Okay. I don’t know when I’ll be back.”
“It’s okay. Just come in whenever. I have church in the morning, so no big breakfast tomorrow.” I smiled and nodded.
“Can I go with you?” She stopped her clacking needles.
“You sure you want to? A lot of people will be there.”
“I guess that I’m feeling brave. By tomorrow, I might have some answers for people.” She nodded.
“Are you getting these answers from Justin?”
“Hopefully. There are many things we need to talk about tonight. I just hope things go somewhat smoothly. Ten years is a long time.” She nodded and we fell quiet. Again, our needles passed into a smooth pattern and time passed and the sun rose higher in the sky before she spoke again.
“About five years ago, Justin mentioned that you were pregnant when you left.”
Time stood still as my heart stopped beating.

NaNoWriMo-untitled novel-Chapter four

*again, leave any and all comments*

Leaving home that day had been hard for me. I woke up at four and crept downstairs and back again, loading my car with clothes and food. When it was loaded, I sat the kitchen table with my mom’s grocery list pad, clicked a pen and thought.
It was then I heard her moving upstairs and her bedroom door opening. In a flash, I dropped the pen and ran outside and into my car. I started it and flung it into reverse and I sped down the street. As I went to turn left out of town, I saw our front door open and her head peek out. Her head was turned my direction, but I lost it from view as I turned and I never looked back.
The entire time I drove the day, I was in a shock. I alternated between being quiet with tears streaming down my face, to screaming and hitting the steering wheel. I didn’t know where I was going, but I kept on, pushing for a place where I could lose myself. I followed some highway for awhile, took another, and then another. I stopped that night at a rest stop somewhere in Pennsylvania and slept like a baby in the backseat.
The next morning’s breakfast was a pop tart and I was off again, map of New York on the seat next to me. The city was a big place and no one would find me there if they looked. So I drove on, my stomach lurching more and more as I went further and further away.

“Mom, I can’t do this right now.” I pushed back from the table, toppling the chair as it fell to the wood floor.” She looked shocked.
“Madeline, all I asked was for one explanation as to why you left.”
“I can’t give you that!” I was crying now, a silly twenty-eight years old crying in front of my mother. She stood shakily and pounded her fist on the table.
“Just one thing Madeline. Help me understand why you are so distant.”
“I can’t mom, not now.” I picked up the chair I had foolishly knocked over and set it upright as I wiped tears from my eyes. “I need to talk to some people first.”
“Why?” She stood defiant, one hand on her hip. That was always the way she stood when she yelled at me.
“Because I need to figure some things out about my past before I can talk to you.”
“I see, your mother is good enough to talk to.” I sat down, frustrated.
“That’s not it. I need to get my life straight mom. Everything is out of control.” My head returned to its previous position in my hands as I tried to fight the swimming colors running before my eyes. I heard her return to her seat.
“Tell me what has been going on Madeline. What’s happened?”

After being in New York only a few months and living in a boarding house, I found a job as a newspaper columnist. It was a day to day job. If they liked what I wrote, they printed it and I was paid. If not, I went hungry. It made me happy, to know that New Yorkers may have read my articles on the way to work every day.
I found another girl, Michelle who was looking for a roommate. We found a nice apartment in Greenwich Village and I was happy for awhile. We eventually found two more girls like ourselves and the four of us were good friends. It was after being gone for about two years that I called my mom the first time.
I liked my life, the direction it was headed, but I had an entirely separate life at home, in Harpers Grove. I changed when I went to New York. I lost the sincere qualities I prided myself on growing up.
Eventually, I quit the day-to-day job I had. I bought a camera and went out to photograph the normal New Yorker. I gained fame, I attended parties, I bought a penthouse apartment. Of course, my income from my photographs didn’t pay for it all.
I wrote novels under a pen name. They were bestsellers. But no one knew it was me. I wrote about my life, my friends, the people I had left behind, but it meant nothing. Why?
Because I lived my life alone. I left Michelle and the girls behind as I moved up. I called my mom once a month. I wrote one letter to Justin in all that time. My life was my work, my photographs and my writing.

“Mom, have you ever been so alone…that you just forgot what life was about?”
“What do you mean Madeline?” I sat back, banging my head against the back of my chair.
“Mom, I have no friends, nothing in New York.”
“What about those girls you were living with?” She looked at me sadly. So sad to see her face like that.
“That was a long time ago. All the people I talk too, it’s only about my work. People admire my work, not me.”
“Honey, you have never told me what you do.” I realized that was true. I never told my mom anything. My calls to her were courtesy. I asked how she was, she talked for awhile and I hung up.
“Come here.” I grabbed her arm and helped her upstairs to my room. From inside the closet I pulled out a bag and opened it. Reaching in, I pulled out a black portfolio binder. “Look at this. This is what I do.”
“Madeline, I never knew.” She flipped the pages, sitting on the bed. Black and white photos flashed before her eyes. I stopped her at one.
“I won a prize for this one.”
“It’s beautiful.”
The glossy photo was of a young girl of five. She was sitting on a rock, over looking the river. Surrounding her was a haze of smoke, garbage littered the ground around her and her dress was dirty and ratted. Her face was dirtied and streaky from crying. The camera caught a spark of light glinting in a tear rolling down her cheek.
“Is that your New York?” She looked at me, her own eyes mirroring mine and the girls.
“Yes, that is how I see it. That is how I see life mom.” She nodded and outlined the girl on the photo. “Why don’t you keep it?”
“Really?” She smiled.
“Yes, you can have a Madeline Harris original. I’ll get you a frame for it.” I smiled and wrapped my arm around her as she continued to flip through the pictures of how I saw the world.
The world was a place much different from the Harpers Grove I grew up in.
I was a lucky kid.

When I turned eleven, my mom agreed to let me have a slumber party. I invited all the girls I liked, and even those I didn’t. I wanted my party to go down in the history books of Harpers Grove. Mary was there early and helped me set up. We lectured my mother together about being cool so the other kids wouldn’t make fun of me and she agreed.
It was much later, around nine, that we were all snuggled into our sleeping bags and decided to play to Truth or Dare. Of course, Caroline started it and she wasn’t one of my best friends. I invited her, in hoping she would become a friend to me. I wanted to be her friend, to be accepted into her legions of adoring fans. That night changed that.
As we giggled and laughed, it was Caroline’s turn to ask someone.
“Madeline, truth or dare.”
“Dare.”
“I dare you to call Justin Daniels and tell him you like him.” Everyone screeched and giggled as I picked up the phone. All the girls knew about my crush on Justin. It rang a couple times before someone answered.
“May I speak to Justin please?”
“Calling a little late aren’t you?”
“Yes, I’m sorry ma’m.” More giggles from the girls.
“Hello?”
“Justin?”
“Yes, that is who you asked for you know.”
“Yes, well, it’s Madeline and-“ In that instant, Caroline snatched the phone from me.
“Justin? It’s Caroline. Madeline wanted me to tell you that she thinks you are a stuck up snobby boy and she would never be your friend.”
With that she hung up the phone and glared at me.
“You are a stupid girl Madeline, thinking I would EVER be your friend. I am not friends with bastard children.”
I screamed and lunged at her, tearing at her hair. It wasn’t long before my mother came running from the other room and tore us apart.
“Madeline, girls, what’s going on in here?” I stood there, chest heaving and glaring at Madeline.
“Mrs. Harris, Caroline called Madeline a…a…” Mary stuttered and stopped.
“What did she call her Mary? It’s okay to tell me?”
“She called her a bastard child.” It grew silent, as Caroline lowered her head.
“My mom always told me to speak the truth.” My mom bent before her and raised her chin with her hand.
“There is a difference between telling truth and being rude. Come with me. You’re leaving.”
With that, my mother dragged Caroline off to call her parents and I was left with the other girls, crying and rubbing my eyes, thinking Justin hated me for all eternity.

We were sitting on the porch again after dinner. I listened to her knitting needles clacking quietly in the still air as I sipped some tea and thought. Over dinner, I told her about my penthouse apartment, the high class life I had in New York. I did not mention the novels, or my writing. I wasn’t willing to show her that yet.
“Are you going to go see him tomorrow?” Brought back to reality, I thought over her question.
“Justin?”
“Who else would you go see?” I smiled and rocked in my chair.
“Should I see him?”
“I think so. I don’t know what his reaction will be.” She dropped her knitting and took a sip of tea. “He never dated anyone else after you left.”
I stopped rocking.
“What?”
“He has never dated anyone else.”
“I heard that. Why?” Again with that blank look of hers.
“I’m don’t know why, but I’m assuming its because he always thought you would come back to him.”
“Oh.” I started rocking again, the creaking of the wood relaxing me. I would see him tomorrow. Sometime. I would make sure of it. I needed to talk to him, explain some things to him.
“He’s a painter.” It was said quietly.
“He was always good at art. Remember the portrait he made of me?”
“Yes. Did you take it with you? I could never find it after you left.”
“Yeah, I did.” I didn’t tell her it was hanging in my bedroom, in a frame I had made specifically for it.
“He’s a good man. He always has been.
“Yes, I’m sure he still is.” I sipped more tea as more stars appeared in the night sky overhead and the crickets stopped chirping. Snuggling deeper into my blanket, I almost didn’t hear her.
“Did you date anyone in New York?” It was an innocent question.
“No, I never did. To be honest, no one ever asked.”
“That’s hard to believe Madeline, you are a pretty girl.”
“Thanks mom.” I smiled at her and stood, starting to retire for the night.
“You were always a pretty girl Madeline.”

I was seventeen, prepping for my senior homecoming.
“Mom! I need your help.” I heard her coming up the stairs.
“What child? No need to holler at me like a banshee.”
“My dress is stuck.” I turned as she fidgeted with the zipper. Eventually she got it up and spun me around.
“You look so pretty Madeline.”
“Thanks mom.” She kissed me on the cheek as we heard the doorbell ring. “Go answer it; I have to make an entrance like in the movies.”
Rolling her eyes at me, she descended and I heard her open the door and greet Justin.
“My, don’t you look handsome Justin.”
“Thank you Mrs. Harris.” I started down the stairs, just out of his sight, my pale pink dress swishing with each step I took. “Is she running late?”
“No, I’m right here.” I stepped off the last step and his eyes met mine. They glittered and his mouth opened a little. He stepped towards me and kissed me cheek.
“Pose for a picture.” He wrapped his arm around me and I felt his warmth as he held me close to him. She snapped it and off we went. He opened my car door and helped me in.
It wasn’t until we came back home that he told me. We were standing on the front porch, my hair half messed, make-up smudged, and my high heels in hand that he grabbed my face between his warm hands.
“God, you’re beautiful.”

*my word count is now at 6553 out of 50000*

NaNoWriMo-untitled novel-chapter three

*chapter four will also be posted tonight, and maybe even chapter five. :) leave comments please.*

Ed’s was just as I remembered. It was the same dull gray peeling paint, the same worn sign, the same low prices. I pulled my gleaming Mercedes into the parking lot and into a space between a red Chevy pickup and a beat up old Honda Accord.
Mom struggled out of the depth of the Mercedes and I took a deep breath as we rounded the front of the store to go in. A small group of older men were clustered in the ancient rocking stairs around the entrance and a man about my age sat strumming his guitar. Small town life at its best on a Friday morning. The younger man looked up at me, and I thought I recognized him from somewhere, but pushed that thought aside behind me as we entered the store.
The same Ed’s appeared in front of my eyes as I took in the old rickety shelves, brimming with food. She grabbed a cart and started off full tilt, as always. I followed behind, helping her get the things off high shelves and bending low to grab the last box if Cheerios. It was a system between the two of us and we didn’t need words to function as a unit. We saw a few morning shoppers as we traveled down the aisles, packing our cart to the fullest extent. It wasn’t until we were waiting to check out that someone addressed me directly.
“Madeline, is that you?” I turned and my eyes found his. It was the man from on the porch, only now he was wearing the green apron all employees of Ed’s wore.
“Yes?”
“I don’t think you would remember me. I’m Noah, I was in your English class your senior year.” Now his face clicked in my memory. Noah had sat behind me all year and I never gave him the time of day.
“How have you been Noah?” I smiled and turned towards him as the cashier rung up our purchase. Noah moved to bag our items as he responded.
“Good, keeping busy I guess. How long will you be in town for?” My mother turned quickly to hear my answer.
“I’ll be here for awhile.”
“We’ll have to get together sometime, talk and rehash the golden days.” I smiled as he put the last bag in our cart.
“We’ll do that. I’m staying with my mom.” She smiled.
“It’s good to see you again Mrs. Harris. Take good care of our Maddie.”
“I will Noah.” She patted his shoulder as I took control of the cart and steered it past him, trying not to show emotion.
I made her sit in the car while I put the groceries in the trunk and tried to hold in tears. No one had ever called me Maddie, except for Justin.

I was barely sixteen when Justin and I started dating. It was my junior year that I finally had a boyfriend and Justin quickly became everything to me. We were inseparable.
It had been a cool fall day when he told me he loved me. He had blindfolded me, packed me into his car and off we went. The car had stopped and he led me along a leaf lined path. When he took the scarf off my eyes, a red blanket sat among the orange and yellows of the fallen leaves. A picnic basket sat and candles glowed.
“What’s all this?” He smiled and pulled me close to him, the brisk wind whipping my brown hair into his face.
“I thought you might like to have a picnic with me, before it gets to cold.” He kissed me, then sat me down next to him on the warm blanket,
We had sparkling cider, and fried chicken, potato salad and everything we would have as if it were a warm summer afternoon, instead of a cold fall evening. As night fell, he blew out the candles and we lay side by side, watching the stars move slowly across the sky. He grabbed my hand and rubbed my palm with his thumb, in small intricate circles until that patch of skin fell numb.
“You’re beautiful.” He rolled over so he was looking down on me.
“No one has ever said that before.” I smiled and kissed his cheek clumsily.
“Did you ever think you could be this happy?” His face looked so hard and set, then softened.
“No, happiness is hard for me.” He pressed his chapped lips to my forehead.
“I know.” He grew silent, just watching me for a while. “Promise me something.”
“Okay.”
“Promise me that when you are with me, you will always be happy.”
“That’s a weird request.” I rubbed my hand down his back and felt the softness of his sweatshirt.
“Just promise.”
“Okay, I promise.” He leaned down and kissed me then. It was my favorite kiss with him. He just held onto me and poured his heart through that kiss. His fingers stroked my face and his hand cupped my cheek. When he finally pulled away, I sighed and smiled.
“I love you Maddie.”
“I love you too Justin.”

As we drove the streets back home, I sat quiet, thinking about Justin. Like my mom, I had left, without any word, without a goodbye.
She sat still next to me, knowing I was thinking about him. I don’t know how she knew that, I just know she did. She had the mom expression on her face, like she was waiting for me to own up to something I did.
“Does he still live here?”
“Who?” She looked at me, a blank expression on her face.
“Mom, you know who I mean.” I shot her a look of my own.
“Yes, he does.” She fell quiet. He would know soon that I was back. Noah or someone else would tell him I was here. Would he come to see me? Or was he full of hate?
“Do you think he hates me?”
“I don’t know.” We were quiet again as we pulled into the driveway. After unloading the bags into the kitchen, she made me sit at the table while she put the food away.
“Do you hate me?” She paused for a minute before continuing. It was a minute before her answer came.
“I could never hate my own flesh and blood. But I am a little angry with you.”
“I know. You should be.” I twisted my hands on the table top and she sat down next to me.
“Why did you leave Madeline?”

It was May of that year when it happened. I remembered sitting in his car, idling in the parking lot of the movie theater. My hands twisted in my lap then, wringing them as I cried. He put his arm around me and held me while he cried with me. This was not part of our plans.
“What are we going to do Maddie?”
“I don’t know.” I cried so hard, wringing my hands apart in my lap, tears dripping off my chin and soaking a wet spot on my jeans.
“Do you want to keep it?” My grabbed my face and turned it towards his.
“I would like too, but I know we can’t honey, we can’t. We’re too young.”
“What do we do then Maddie. We can’t tell anyone.” I sobbed harder as he tried to dry my face.
“I don’t know, I don’t know…”

“Do you want to talk about this now mom?”
“I would. You don’t have to say everything, but at least tell me something.” She looked so pained, asking me. She was so frail. How could I tell her.
“There were so many reasons mom. I don’t know if I can do this right now.” I put my head in my hands, trying not to cry. I could not cry, I could not cry.
“Tell me one, just one honey.”
I couldn't do this, I needed to talk to Justin first.